Thesamefourwallsandme…seemed to be rather apt in naming my blog. This is new to me…so is my newly adjusted life too. If I’m honest, it is all new territory and I’m completely winging it – making it up as I go along.
After, all, how do you go about survival in a life full of everything you could wish for, yet the lack of ability to do anything with it? My days are filled with laying in bed starring at the ceiling, or watching the cheesiest thing on the telebox so that I can block out the buzzing and ringing in my head. Although, I will be honest, I am not truely watching it, not properly, because it hurts my head too much to do so. The light and noise and the power required in concentrating is just too tiring.
This certainly is not how I planned any part of my life…ever. Tedious, mind numbingly dull. Not nourishing, enriching or soul fulfilling in the slightest. But, highly necessary…yes, being what others consider as simply lazy, to me can be what saves me and enables me to have a life, possibly; if I am lucky, one day.
I am one those annoying people who have a list. Well, I shall say, had a list of things I wanted to achieve…by 30, 40 etc. Until, that is, M.E very kindly came in to my life with a nuclear blast…but a silent one. Limited to the blast zone of my body; ok, not just my body…but every other poor soul who is stuck with this soul sucking condition. M.E does not have any empathy for its victims. It hates me and I hate it, the slimy, seeded, rotten monster. Yet, surprisingly, I also love it.
It’s ugliness has decorum that transpires into a kind of reflection of beauty. Through the fatigue, continuous fobbing off, lack of research or knowing what to do with you, you find a mighty strength deep within your soul. A power you never ever could have imagined existed within you. A type of chemistry inbuilt into your cells, that gives you the determination to hang on to the edge of the cliff, literally, by your fingertips, whilst you pray that somebody, somewhere will find you an answer.
Yet, strangely, you can almost feel grateful for this situation. You become so aware of the enjoyment and the luxury of the smaller things in life. Everything you see, seems to have its own aura, as if you view the energy that you longer have. Watching the birds, trees, flowers, hearing the children next door playing and just being a family. Listening to your partner talk to himself as he tries to problem solve his way through your installing “new” spa bath that you bought off ebay for £70 in hope it can relieve some pain. Each everyday moment, that before you would never have noticed have now become the reason you can fight through your days. For each reason I have to keep going, I am utterly grateful. For the beauty of the world and the lives of others, I am eternally grateful.
…until the next chapter, keep smiling x